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Pittsburgh Penguins: Rejected Rule Changes from the GM Meeting

By Melissa Nelson

CHICAGO, IL - JANUARY 22: A general view of an NHL logo on the back of a net during warms up prior to a game between the Chicago Blackhawks and the Tampa Bay Lightning on January 22, 2018, at the United Center in Chicago, IL. (Photo by Patrick Gorski/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)
CHICAGO, IL - JANUARY 22: A general view of an NHL logo on the back of a net during warms up prior to a game between the Chicago Blackhawks and the Tampa Bay Lightning on January 22, 2018, at the United Center in Chicago, IL. (Photo by Patrick Gorski/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images) /
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Another GM meeting has come and gone, and changes are on the way. Some may even effect the Pittsburgh Penguins!

However, I think that the GMs missed some quality ideas for improvements to the game. Here they are, for the GMs’ consideration:

Proposed Rules

  1. Teams are allowed to decline a penalty in favor of a penalty shot, but the goalie must take the shot.
  2. When the Jets play the Sharks, if two guys want to go, they must have a dance off instead of punching each other. (Bonus points for the finger snapping move from West Side Story.)
  3. Healthy scratches or injured players for the home team must engage in a zamboni race during intermission.
  4. If a referee is injured, instead of sending another ref to replace him, an actual zebra will take his place. (Skating skill is preferred.)
  5. When a player gets a penalty for embellishment, they will be given the additional punishment of sitting in the box with Pierre Maguire for the entire duration of the penalty.
  6. All arena organists must wear helmets to avoid unfortunate head injury. (Safety first!)
  7. At least once a season, the row that wins free hot dogs must be the Penguins’ bench. No one player is allowed to take all of the hot dogs. (This rule is also known as the Phil Kessel rule.)
  8. Healthy scratches/injured players from the opposing team are required to be the pins in human bowling.
  9. If a game is tied after overtime, and both teams do not want to go to a shootout, the game may be decided by a sumo wrestling match between the opposing head coaches.
  10. Concussion protocol “quiet rooms” must employ at least one librarian to enforce the quiet.
  11. If the home team ices the puck more than three times in a single period, everyone in attendance gets cake.
  12. The commentators “inside the glass” for games are required to double as the team mascot during intermission.

Here’s looking at the 2019 GM meeting!

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article.

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