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Stanley Cup Finals: Predicting the 2018 Stanley Cup Champion With Completely Useless Stats

By Nick Vucic |
LAS VEGAS, NV - DECEMBER 14: Matt Murray
LAS VEGAS, NV - DECEMBER 14: Matt Murray

Every hockey writer and their mother will attempt to predict the winner of this year’s Stanley Cup Finals matchup between the Vegas Golden Knights and the Washington Capitals using advanced stats and careful analysis.

Well here, we’re going to throw that right out the window and go with the most meaningless stats possible to predict who’s going to win the Stanley Cup Finals and in how many games.  Here’s who will be your next Stanley Cup Champion:

Total Plus/Minus in the Playoffs

Golden Knights: +86

Capitals: +87

Advantage: Capitals

Inaugural Season Records

Golden Knights: 82 GP,  51 W, 24 L, 7 OT (109 Points)

Capitals: 80 GP, 8 W, 67L, 5 T (21 Points)

Advantage: Golden Knights

Average Attendance in the Regular Season

Golden Knights: 18,042

Capitals: 18,774

Advantage: Capitals

Stanley Cups Won/Attempts

Golden Knights: 0 for 0, 0%

Capitals: 0 for 43, 0%

Advantage: Even

Total Stanley Cup Rings on Team

Golden Knights: 3

Capitals: 1

Advantage: Golden Knights

Pittsburgh Penguins
Pittsburgh Penguins /

Pittsburgh Penguins

Sum total of Players’ Numbers

Golden Knights: 1341

Capitals: 1041

Advantage: Golden Knights

Tallest Player

Golden Knights: Alex Tuch, 6’4”

Capitals: Tom Wilson, 6’4”

Advantage: Even

Smallest Player

Golden Knights: Jonathan Marchessault, 5’9”

Capitals: Nathan Walker, 5’9”

Advantage: Even

Combined Team Weight

Golden Knights: 6356 lbs

Capitals: 5273 lbs

Advantage: Golden Knights

Oldest Player

Golden Knights: Deryk Engelland (35)

Capitals: Brooks Orpik (37)

Advantage: Capitals

Most Former Penguins

WINNIPEG, MB – MAY 20: Deryk Engelland #5, David Perron #57 and goaltender Marc-Andre Fleury #29 of the Vegas Golden Knights carry the Clarence S. Campbell Trophy off the ice following a 2-1 victory over the Winnipeg Jets in Game Five of the Western Conference Final during the 2018 NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs at the Bell MTS Place on May 20, 2018 in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. The Knights win the series 4-1. (Photo by Jonathan Kozub/NHLI via Getty Images)
WINNIPEG, MB – MAY 20: Deryk Engelland #5, David Perron #57 and goaltender Marc-Andre Fleury #29 of the Vegas Golden Knights carry the Clarence S. Campbell Trophy off the ice following a 2-1 victory over the Winnipeg Jets in Game Five of the Western Conference Final during the 2018 NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs at the Bell MTS Place on May 20, 2018 in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. The Knights win the series 4-1. (Photo by Jonathan Kozub/NHLI via Getty Images) /

Golden Knights:  5 – Fleury, Neal, Perron, Engelland, Reaves

Capitals: 2 – Niskanen, Orpik

Advantage: Golden Knights

Youngest Player

Golden Knights: Alex Tuch (21)

Capitals: Jakub Vrana (21)

Advantage: Even

Best Celebrity Fan

Golden Knights: Bryce Harper, Professional baseball player

Capitals: Bryce Harper, Professional baseball player

Advantage: Even

Worst Celebrity Fan

Golden Knights: Chumlee from Pawn Stars

Capitals: Mia Khalifa, Adult Film Actress

Advantage: Even

Best Goalie Mask

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Golden Knights: Fleury

Capitals: Holtby

Advantage: Golden Knights

Final Tally:

Golden Knights: 6

Capitals: 3

Even: 6

Advanced Statistical Analysis:

Golden Knights took 2/3 of the categories looked at meaning that they will take the Stanley Cup Finals in 2/3 of the total games. In other words, Golden Knights in 5 (4.62)

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