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Pittsburgh Penguins Fans: Five Stages to Dealing with a Probable Capitals Championship

By Nick Vucic

PITTSBURGH, PA - MAY 7:?p87/, left, skates away as the Washington Capitals celebrate after wining dGame 6 of the Second Round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs between the Washington Capitals and the Pittsburgh Penguins at PPG Paints Arena on Monday, May 7, 2018. The Washington Capitals won 2-1 to advance the next round. (Photo by Toni L. Sandys/The Washington Post via Getty Images)
PITTSBURGH, PA - MAY 7:?p87/, left, skates away as the Washington Capitals celebrate after wining dGame 6 of the Second Round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs between the Washington Capitals and the Pittsburgh Penguins at PPG Paints Arena on Monday, May 7, 2018. The Washington Capitals won 2-1 to advance the next round. (Photo by Toni L. Sandys/The Washington Post via Getty Images) /
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Well, it looks like it might actually happen. The Washington Capitals are one win away from beating the Vegas Golden Knights and winning their first Stanley Cup. The Capitals winning the cup would mean one of the Pittsburgh Penguins rivals would be champions for the first time in the salary cap era.

Since Pittsburgh Penguins fans haven’t had to deal with a rival potentially winning a cup in recent years, here’s a quick primer on the different stages Penguins fans could experience, or might have already.

“There’s No Way the Capitals Could Actually Win” Stage

It’s not possible. The Capitals wouldn’t be the Capitals if they won the Stanley Cup. There’s just no way this will actually happen. The Vegas Golden Knights will pull off an incredible comeback and win three straight games. The Capitals just aren’t winners. The Capitals aren’t good enough to close out the Golden Knights. Fleury will shut out the Capitals in the next three games, while Holtby gives up 5 goals every game. The Capitals luck will run out and the Golden Knights will get every bounce. The Capitals are going to lose, it’s just going to happen.

“The NHL is Terrible and the Penguins Suck” Stage

The Capitals wouldn’t even be in the Stanley Cup Finals if Tom Wilson would’ve been suspended or ejected earlier for his hits. Maybe Aston-Reese would’ve been the difference maker, but couldn’t because of his injury. The league wanted the Capitals to win and the Penguins to lose. I’ll never watch the NHL again. They can’t even figure out what is or isn’t goaltender interference. They can’t even protect their own players.

The Penguins suck. How could they lose to these losers. They should trade Phil Kessel and Derrick Brassard. Ryan Reaves was clearly the missing piece for the Penguins. How could they trade Ian Cole? Jim Rutherford should be fired. They should fire Mike Sullivan. I’m never cheering for the Penguins again. Matt Murray is the worst goaltender in the NHL. Murray has the worst glove hand in the league.

“If the Capitals Lose, I Promise to Never Boo Bettman Again” Stage

LAS VEGAS, NV – NOVEMBER 22: NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman (L) encourages people to boo him as majority owner Bill Foley looks on before the Vegas Golden Knights was announced as the name for Foley’s Las Vegas NHL franchise at T-Mobile Arena on November 22, 2016 in Las Vegas, Nevada. The team will begin play in the 2017-18 season. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
LAS VEGAS, NV – NOVEMBER 22: NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman (L) encourages people to boo him as majority owner Bill Foley looks on before the Vegas Golden Knights was announced as the name for Foley’s Las Vegas NHL franchise at T-Mobile Arena on November 22, 2016 in Las Vegas, Nevada. The team will begin play in the 2017-18 season. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images) /

Okay, we can make this right. If the Capitals lose, I’ll never boo Bettman or the NHL again. If the Capitals lose, I won’t be upset the next time the league inevitable has another lockout or if they refuse to allow NHLers in the Olympics again. If the Capitals lose, I won’t call the league stupid or complain about officiating. Heck, if the Capitals lose, I’ll say something nice about Kerry Fraser. If the Capitals lose, I won’t rub it in their faces and make fun of them. If the Capitals lose, I won’t celebrate on the steps outside the Capitol One Arena ever again. If the Capitals lose, I won’t call them chokers. If the Capitals lose, I won’t ever complain about the Penguins lineup decisions or moves made by Rutherford.

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The “Watching Replays from 1991, 1992, 2009, 2016, & 2017 on Repeat while Sarah McLachlan Plays in the Background” Stage

♫♫♫ I will remember you… ♫♫♫

Don’t call. Don’t text. Don’t email. I’ll be watching Marc Andre Fleury make the “Secret Service Save” in 2009 or Patric Hornqvist bounce one in last year. The Penguins of yore were great. I miss these teams. I miss Mario Lemieux and Ron Francis and Jim Paek. “Against the Odds” is the greatest movie ever made.  I miss Max Talbot silencing Philadelphia and the repetitive goal call for Nick Bonino. The HBK line was the greatest third line in the NHL. I remember when I got to meet the Stanley Cup and hug it and kiss it. I won’t forget you old friend.

The “It’s Only One Cup, the Penguins Still Have Many More” Stage

Well, it’s going to happen, isn’t it? The Capitals are finally going to win a Stanley Cup. It’s only one. The Penguins have five. Five is more than one, so the Penguins are still better than the Capitals. I’ve seen Tom Brady win multiple Super Bowls. This is not as bad as that. The Penguins have won five Stanley Cups in 51 years as a franchise. The Capitals will have won one in 43 years. That would mean the Capitals have to win 4 Stanley Cups in the next 8 years to even come close to equaling the Penguins.

This won’t happen every year. The Capitals will win and go back to being the Capitals. The Penguins will eliminate the Capitals in the second round of the playoffs next year and all will be well with the world. Maybe they’ll even misspell Tom Wilson’s name on the cup. There’s always next year.

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