Pittsburgh Penguins Conspiracy Theory


Last night during the Pittsburgh penguins vs. Buffalo Sabres game, I’m sure we all witnessed the sickening moment in which an elderly, presumably evil man stole a puck that was thrown to a little kid by the wonderful Disco Dan. I became immediately literally physically ill after watching such a disgusting act, which was completely unrelated to the beers I was pounding while watching the game (1 for every goal Pittsburgh scored= one crazy, wild night! My tolerance has dropped severely during the recent goal scoring dry spell).

After the beer throwing fiasco in Toronto during the Jays game a few weeks ago, and now seeing this happening in Pittsburgh, I’ve been feeling all day that I’m surrounded by some of the most impolite fans I’d ever care to know. But then I realized that this is so much bigger than a simple case of a man with an unsatisfying, unfulfilled life stealing a puck from an innocent child. So much bigger.

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The first clue I got that something wasn’t quite right was the obvious fact that no one, no one in their right mind could possibly do that to such a young, joy-filled, impressionable child. Just the absolute sickness involved in doing something of that nature is something that I don’t believe any human being could possibly possess.

So what exactly is happening here? Buckle up, cause it’s about to get wild. First off, did you see the stuff the kid got after the incident swirled around Twitter for a while? He ended up not only with a different puck from Disco Dan, but also a free Sidney Crosby jersey from the Pens! Talk about a heck of a haul for a kid that no longer seems quite so innocent.

What I believe happened is that the adult and kid had conspired to execute the steal perfectly, ensuring that it would also be caught on camera, knowing that it would cause a Twitter wildfire, and inevitably lead to free merchandise from the Penguins. A couple of sneaky guys right? But hold on, because it doesn’t end there.

Looking at the guilty parties in this case (old man and child), it is reasonably clear that the two are unrelated. So the chances that they randomly found each other and came up with this plan are incredibly low. What I believe occurred, is that they were brought together by a much larger and more powerful individual. Not only that, but this individual also created multiple fake Twitter accounts to ensure that the video would spread throughout the web. Now why exactly would someone go through all the trouble just to ensure that some kid ends up with a free Crosby jersey?

What is apparent in my opinion is that a prospective buyer of the Penguins has recruited tens, hundreds, potentially thousands of fake Penguins fans in order to pull off multiple schemes like this. One free jersey doesn’t do much damage, but if he/she is able to successfully orchestrate these scams time and time again, eventually the value of the franchise will drop, and they will be able to snatch them up for pennies on the dollar. An incredibly elaborate scheme you might think, but the seemingly small nature of this plan makes it outright devilishly brilliant.

If anyone has any information that can help add evidence to this proposed theory, please let me know ASAP. I’d like to send in a formal report to the Penguins in the next few days, to warn Ron Burkle and Mario Lemieux that if they continue to give away free merchandise to these seemingly innocent children, the value of their franchise will drop by potentially even millions of dollars depending on how far this prospective buyer is willing to go.

PLEASE keep your eyes peeled for similar “free merchandise” schemes! Mario has done incredible things for this franchise and the city of Pittsburgh, and the least we can do for him is ensure that he’s able to sell the Penguins for the value he deserves!

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