Pittsburgh Penguins Conspiracy Theory #2


Late last week I posted an article outlining how a mystery prospective buyer of the Pittsburgh Penguins was looking to slowly but surely bring down the value of the franchise through a series of staged events in which innocent children would be put in a tragic situation (ie. Having pucks stolen from them), forcing the Penguins to respond by giving away free merchandise to cheer up the kids and gain public approval.

Despite some negative criticism I received about the validity and apparent “humour” of the speculation (not exactly sure what’s funny about the situation, but that’s neither here nor there), I chose to pass the report along to Pittsburgh officials.

After several days of eagerly awaiting a response, I had still received nothing, and was left to depressingly assume that they had chosen to disregard my findings. Feeling hurt and nervous about the long-term fate of the Penguins, I decided to stream the Flyers-Oilers game that night to get my first look at the newest NHL wunderkind, Connor McDavid, in preparation for a piece I was creating for the site about the impending McDavid-Crosby matchup. That however, all changed in a matter of seconds, as McDavid crashed into the boards behind the Flyers net late in the 2nd period.

When I first saw the hit happen, with his body crumpled to the ice, I was in an initial shock. Seeing him skate away holding his shoulder broke my heart; just a 18-year-old kid but already with more talent and charisma than I could ever possibly attain, I felt cold inside knowing the injury would likely cost him the majority, if not all of the 15-16 season.

Why does it always seem to happen to the best of the best; the Lemieux’s, Crosby’s and McDavid’s of the world? As I began to change the format of my next article into an Oiler’s Survival Kit for dealing with injuries to your Superstar Saviour based on my experiences with Crosby’s injuries, something dawned on me: what if I played a larger role in the events of the night than that of simple, innocent observer?

When I didn’t receive a response from the Penguins, I had simply assumed that my proposition was quickly and decisively disregarded. What I failed to consider however, is that they may have chosen to take my report to heart, and didn’t respond out of fear of it becoming a much larger story. What if instead, they chose to swiftly take action, and prove once and for all that they are not to be taken lightly?

One of the biggest threats to the Penguins besides schemes similar to those explained last week, is the rise of newly minted superstar Connor McDavid. If he takes over Sidney Crosby as the face of the NHL (and I believe he is pretty much there), the Penguins aren’t nearly as sexy a franchise as they currently are. And when would be McDavid’s first chance to inevitably trump Crosby? That’s right, this Friday, their next game on the schedule after the Flyers.

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With the news that a mystery billionaire is attempting to slowly tear them down, the Penguins upper brass must have known they couldn’t afford to have Crosby humiliated in Edmonton by McDavid, and they had only one chance left to do something about it.

I believe they used their many contacts within the Philadelphia Flyers organization to plan and implement a cold, cunning maneuver to either break McDavid’s clavicle or separate his shoulder with a perfectly timed, and seemingly innocent hit into the boards.

This couldn’t be a relatively minor injury remember, as the Penguins couldn’t risk Crosby having to face McDavid later in November in Pittsburgh either. If anything, it would be even more humiliating for Crosby to be taken to school in his home arena.

Now you may ask why the Flyers would go along with such an arguably evil plan, one that could have major repercussions around the league? Simple: the only attractive thing about the Flyers is their intense rivalry with the league’s sexiest franchise, the Penguins. As the Pens go, the Flyers go, and they also knew they couldn’t take that risk.

Simple: the only attractive thing about the Flyers is their intense rivalry with the league’s sexiest franchise, the Penguins. As the Pens go, the Flyers go, and they also knew they couldn’t take that risk.

I know this might seem like a bizarre and completely out of left field theory, but I want you to truly consider who the biggest loser would be in McDavid becoming the face of the entire NHL. It has become abundantly clear over the last several weeks that Sidney Crosby is firmly on the path to relative anonymity after his years of elite-ness and superstardom.

It’s been difficult to accept for many fans around the world, and quite frankly I can’t blame the Penguins for taking an active role in trying to slow that process down as much as possible. I’m not sure I’d go as far as to call it noble, but I can certainly understand it at the very least.

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As far as the role my actions played in this unfortunate series of events (Lemony Snicket plug), I must admit I do feel guilty. I have never personally met Mr. McDavid, but I have certainly heard good things and I wish him only the best with his recovery and into the future.

[Disclaimer: This is not a serious article. Though I suppose there is no way to ensure that is not actually exactly what happened. So I guess its 50-50 whether this is real or not]