3 Tips for Pittsburgh Penguins Fans to Secure a Last-Second Valentine’s Date

Feb 6, 2016; Sunrise, FL, USA; Pittsburgh Penguins defenseman Kris Letang (58) celebrates his game winning goal against the Florida Panthers with teammates in overtime at BB&T Center. The Penguins won 3-2. Mandatory Credit: Robert Mayer-USA TODAY Sports
Feb 6, 2016; Sunrise, FL, USA; Pittsburgh Penguins defenseman Kris Letang (58) celebrates his game winning goal against the Florida Panthers with teammates in overtime at BB&T Center. The Penguins won 3-2. Mandatory Credit: Robert Mayer-USA TODAY Sports /

Remember the good old days, when you’d go to school on February 14th, and everyone would hand out Valentine’s cards and candy to everyone else, and maybe you’d even get a candygram from a secret admirer or two (you didn’t even have to buy them for yourself back then)?  Then, you’d go home and your mom would have another card and more candy for you and cook up your favourite meal and you’d go to bed feeling more loved than ever?

Well unfortunately those days are long gone my friend. Now you come home to ruined bed sheets cause your damn cat still hasn’t learned it’s a cat and it needs to use a litter box, and a desk covered in empty licorice packages and Ben and Jerry’s ice cream containers from the night before. No candy, no cards, just a continuous loop of Goodbye my Lover by James Blunt playing in the background as you daydream of Valentine’s past.

How do we break ourselves out of this horrible funk, especially this year with no Penguins game to help distract us from the sad reality of our lives? Are we destined to another Valentine’s alone? NO SO FAST! Penguins fans rejoice, cause the Love Dr. is here to cure all your heart-related ills! With my extensive experience with the ladies (more than 0, less than 4), if you follow my easy and simple love tips, I’ll have you snuggled up with someone special on the 14th guaranteed!

1) Stay outside of the Penguins-Fan Realm when Searching for a Date: Now I know what you’re thinking, you probably aren’t able to maintain a non-Penguins related conversation for more than 5 minutes comfortably, 7 minutes max, especially with women. Don’t worry I have the same problem, believe me. But I promise you, it is worth it. In every relationship, you need something that’s just for you, you know? If you’re with someone that loves Pittsburgh as much as you, there’s no escape from it and before you know it you’re going to dread having to talk about them, watch them, the whole shebang. It’ll go from your greatest love to your greatest hate. And lets face it, if someone took our love of Pittsburgh away from us, there’d be nothing left, we just don’t quite have the personality to still be fun/interesting without that.  

Not only that, but it is good to have someone that can balance out your Pittsburgh-related emotions. When I’m riding off the high of a Pittsburgh 2-1 shootout win over Carolina, and out on the town denouncing the entire city of Raleigh, I need someone to tell me I’m acting like a weirdo and there’s nothing to be anything more than mildly pleased about, if even that. And when I fall into a deep, dark depression after a 3-0 shutout against the Rangers, I don’t want someone that’s going to fall with me, I want someone that’s going to tell me I’m a freak and to stop crying. Find someone that can bring you back to sweet, sweet neutral, not push you to the far end of either extreme.

2) Don’t make or receive Penguins-related compliments/comparisons: Once upon a time, I was with a woman who knew about my Penguins obsession (it doesn’t normally take too long for it to come out) and so sometimes she’d refer to Pittsburgh-related things as part of conversation to help us bond. So one day when she called me the “Sidney Crosby of love-making”, obviously I was elated! I had always been self-conscious, and so I was on cloud-9 after that comment. Until of course, I found out she wasn’t referring to his incredible on-ice ability, but instead his somewhat awkward/robotic interactions with the media. So that’s reason number one to not do it, if/when you find out you have different points of view on the same phrase, things can quickly take a turn for the worse.

Now as far as giving out Penguins-related compliments, in my experience women just don’t really like being compared to male professional athletes very much. Telling someone they “kiss as well as Sidney Crosby stickhandles”, probably isn’t as sexy as you think it is. When in doubt, always go for simple and straightforward when it comes to complimenting your woman.

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3) Don’t wear any Penguins-related attire, ideally ever, unless you are alone or physically at a Pittsburgh Penguins game: The only time a woman has ever found a Sidney Crosby jersey sexy is when Sidney Crosby is wearing it while doing something sexy (i.e. playing hockey). All that happens otherwise is they see the jersey, have a very momentary period of excitement thinking an NHL player is in the midst, followed by a prolonged period of disappointment when they realize its just you, who lacks literally every cool quality an NHL player would ever have. Hopefully one day this changes and wearing them will become sexy.  I’d love to have more opportunity to wear my baby blue, Ruslan Fedotenko jersey.

Now I know that all I’ve given is things to avoid doing, and nothing proactive that you should be doing. But now that you’ll be approaching the right women (non-Penguins fans) and not doing things that horribly turn her off (giving her Pittsburgh related compliments, wearing Pittsburgh attire), you should be able to find the perfect girl or guy for you in no time at all!