Revisiting March: The Almighty Stat reigns supreme

Well, the March of the Penguins is over. At times, the infantry of flightless fuzzballs was heel clicking down the frozen tundra with blinding pace. Other times, they found themselves with their heads buried beneath the snow.

Monthly audits are often good to conduct when it comes to the NHL, and we'll do that here, covering all the highs and lows of the month of March.

I urge you, if you haven't already, to go give a look at our pre-March article, as it will provide a lot of context for this one. You can find it HERE.

A Poor Start

The Penguins didn't have much of a chance to fulfill the Almighty Stat when they started March 0-3-1 before the NHL trade deadline. Their losses to Boston and Toronto were close, but they falsely preceeded blowouts at the hands of known West juggernauts in Colorado and Vegas.

Then, the Dragon Arrived (Tristan Jarry)

He's no Marcus Pettersson (in fact he'd been gone for almost a month at this point), but Tristan Jarry made his valiant return to the NHL, opposing Penguins' legend Marc-Andre Fleury in the final game between Flower and the team that drafted him.

Tristan Jarry put together back-to-back-to-back beauties between the pipes against three playoff caliber teams in Minnesota, Vegas, and St. Louis. He then gutted out a slugfest and allowed the depth pieces to shine in a 7-3 win over New Jersey.

All of a sudden the Penguins were winners of four straight and creeping their way back into the playoff conversation.

During the winning streak the Penguins were seeing surprising production from the new acquisitions from Toronto, Connor Dewar and Conor Timmins, who both contributed a lot to the wins with some unexpected scoring.

In other (completely expected) news, Sidney Crosby trekked on in his search for Gretzky's point-per-game record. He got the best of Fleury one last time, picked up a pair of goals against Vegas, and recorded his 50th assist of the season against Jersey.

Meanwhile, Rickard Rakell achieved his third 30-goal season, and he's on his way to setting a new career high in goals at age 31.

The Stupid Islanders

Then it was all ruined. In the matter of minutes all of it was ruined.

The Penguins got themselves into striking distance of the second Wild Card spot in the Eastern Conference and the Islanders ruined it - like they always do. That no-good, boring, zero superstar, still-living-in-the-80s team.

The Islanders for no reason at all just love to kill all the hope for the Penguins. And for what? Zero playoff success in 40 years? Give me a break.

Pittsburgh held the insidious two-goal lead into the 3rd period on home ice, but then broke down like a Chevy Cobalt and gave up four unanswered goals to ruin the fabled March of the Penguins.

If the Penguins had won that game, they would have been well within the possibility of making the playoffs with 13 games left to play.

In the words of the great philosopher, Adam Sandler:

Hope Dies on the Road

Despite a big win at home against the Blue Jackets, all hope would be lost once the Penguins arrived in Florida. It's too warm for Penguins down there, even this time of year.

The March stalled in the swamp.

An 18th shootout loss (don't fact check that) against the Panthers preceeded getting struck by Lightning...six times. Ain't nobody surviving that.

To make things even better, the only thing Penguins fans were looking forward to happened in the most underwhelming fashion possible.

Sidney Crosby, the embodiment of consistently elite production, broke the NHL point-per-game record with a goal against the Buffalo Sabres...on the road...in an absolute beatdown. The moment was cool, it was nice that he scored a goal to do it.

But he was just a game away from home when he did this:

The hockey gods absolutely robbed us of this one. At home, to break the record, in overtime.

"A PPG for the PPG at PPG!" Come on. That would have been epic. But no. Buffalo blowout it is, champ.

Still not over this one.

The Almighty Stat's Verdict

So how did the Penguins stack up in March to the Almighty Stat? They needed a >50% point yield in their 14 games to make the playoffs. That means they needed 15 points.

I think some of you came to the answer on your own, but just in case, the final verdict is *drum roll*:

No playoffs.

The Penguins yielded exactly 14 points for exactly a 50% yield in the month of March. They did the absolute most while benefitting the absolute least. A masterclass in being directionless.

And I blame the Islanders.

If that forsaken franchise would just stop sticking their necks into places they don't belong, we wouldn't be wondering why, every day, society strays further and further from God's light.

Those "gritty Islanders" are the most uninspiring hockey team ever, and they don't even want to make the playoffs this year. They're 3-4-3 in their last 10 compared the Penguins' 6-3-1.

If the Islanders stayed in their lane, the Penguins would have won six straight going into Florida, Tristan Jarry wouldn't have relapsed, and all would have been good in the land.

Instead, now we have to see the New York Rangers back in the playoff despite them being a shell of what they were last year. Everyone wants to see Sid back in the playoffs, except the Islanders, who beat him in the playoffs, and then did absolutely nothing.

Worthless franchise. Go away. Nobody likes you.

As We Approach April

The new objective is to lose. Crosby's PPG record is secured, and there's nothing truly worth playing for other than increasing your lottery odds at this point.

The Penguins have seven games to go. The March was valiant, but it came up short. Now it's time to make up for those wins.